This is a new experience for me, responding to a reader request! After reading a post on Gratitude, I was asked to write about Love.
Even though writing through a Hebrew/Jewish lens is naturally limiting, “Love” as a subject is so encompassing and elusive that we will need to narrow in even more.
Our focus here will be on love in a committed relationship.
Love in Parallel Terms
When speaking about concepts in Judaism, scholars recommend beginning at the source where it first appears in the Torah.
We won’t get much past that, but it will be a start.
At the outset, we will need to unpack Judaism’s view of what is foundational within the relationship between a husband and wife. We will actually be taking the idea of love out for now. [gendered language is used here as it is in the sources].
Here is how the Bible describes the relationship between Adam and Eve in Genesis/B’reisheet (2:18)
וַיֹּ֙אמֶר֙ יְהוָ֣ה אֱלֹהִ֔ים לֹא־ט֛וֹב הֱי֥וֹת הָֽאָדָ֖ם לְבַדּ֑וֹ אֶֽעֱשֶׂהּ־לּ֥וֹ עֵ֖זֶר כְּנֶגְדּֽוֹ׃
The usual translation is “The LORD God said, “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make for him a help mate“.
Note that two words are used to describe the relationship, often translated as one word, ‘helper’.
We will focus on the Hebrew root word for ‘mate’, נגד [Nun, Gimmel, Daled], which technically means “opposite” or “parallel” or “in front of”.
Translating the word exactly, the English meaning would be: “It is not good for man to be alone; I will make for him a helper opposite him“.
How can this be? Isn’t that a paradox? Wouldn’t someone trying to help you be on your side? How can a helper be in opposition to you?
Yet, this translation offers such a rich insight into the nature of what love really represents, especially in a committed relationship.
What Love Really Means
Here, the deeper meaning is that when you’re in a committed relationship that person really gets to know you, understands your ways, and often needs to be that force that, while seeming to oppose you, really brings you to your more complete self.
Because that person loves you, and knows what you are truly capable of, they can often stand up to you, demanding that you be your best. That is true love. Risking momentary displeasure from you to achieve a higher goal.
Our sages expand on this further in the Talmud (Yevamot 63a):
” A help meet (sic) for him — (כנגדו literally, opposite, opposed to him) If he is worthy she shall be a help to him; if he is unworthy she shall be opposed to him, to fight him”.
The sources add: “whenever one confronts someone of equal power, moral and ethical weight, such a confrontation is termed נגד. It is a head-on collision of will.”
Two Become One
Despite the obstacles of will, the relationship is so intimate that two people should become extremely close—so that your needs become the other person’s needs, your wants, their wants. Your desire, theirs:
“Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife so that they shall become as one flesh.” [Genesis/B’reisheet 2:24]. Two halves work at becoming whole.
עַל־כֵּן֙ יַֽעֲזָב־אִ֔ישׁ אֶת־אָבִ֖יו וְאֶת־אִמּ֑וֹ וְדָבַ֣ק בְּאִשְׁתּ֔וֹ וְהָי֖וּ לְבָשָׂ֥ר אֶחָֽד׃
The word used for ‘cling’ here is the same root word that is often used in describing our relationship with God (d’veykut).
That is how Judaism sees love. Not as an infatuation, or romance, but as a deep commitment to each other.
That leads us to the first place in the Torah where we read of a sexual relationship between Adam and Eve.
In biblical Hebrew, when a man and a women connect on an intimate level, it is not called love. The word used is Da’at, meaning knowledge דעת [Daled, Ayin, Tav], so perhaps the term “carnal knowledge” would be a more accurate translation.
“Adam knew Eve, his wife”: וְהָ֣אָדָ֔ם יָדַ֖ע אֶת־חַוָּ֣ה אִשְׁתּ֑וֹ Genesis/B’reisheet (4:1)
Knowledge implies a complete and deep understanding of your mate. Deep feelings of appreciation as well as one’s intellect are taken into account. True love involves a deep connection that is not a passing infatuation. It also brings up a quality of the infinite, inner knowledge of a soul knowing another soul.
Is Your Ego at Work?
Notions like “falling in love”, “love at first sight” and “love is blind” do not hold true in the Jewish concept of love. There is no word in the Bible for romance. In modern Hebrew, the word is “romantika”, certainly not based on Hebrew root words or letters, and interestingly, the word for infatuation is “Ahava Iveret” אַהֲבָה עִוֶרֶת — and wouldn’t you know it, Ahava means love, while “Iveret” means skin, what one might call “surface lust”.
Infatuation, lust, passion is more about your ego than the other person. The focus is on what you can get out of the relationship, not what you can give.
The root word for Ahava, [Hey,Vet] הב , the Aramaic meaning of “to give”.
What Quality of Love Do You Seek?
The Jewish notion of love is counter cultural. Counter to all the novels spilling romance, movies that portray “love at first sight” and songs that might even demean a relationship down to its animalistic passions.
Your inclination might tell you something different. Follow your heart in this matter. Listen to your Jewish soul.